Group projects. In school, they are everywhere. Love them or hate them, you can’t avoid them. It was true when I was a student, and it is even more true for students today.

When our kids started participating in group projects, my husband gave them one excellent piece of advice. “Look around, find the smartest person in the room, and get that person in your group,” he said. He went on to explain that he knew our kids would want the project to go well and be successful, but wouldn’t want to carry the whole thing themselves. By choosing someone very smart, they were pretty likely to have at least two in the group who cared about the outcome and therefore invested in the process.

I thought that was brilliant advice, and it has worked quite well for both kids. Personally, I have always despised group projects. Well, I thought I despised group projects, until a conversation this week got me to thinking: our lives are a series and collection of group projects! 

I’m not necessarily referring to the workforce, the usual justification for all the group projects students complete in school: “you will work in groups throughout your career.” While that is true for many, there are many others whose work is autonomous or at least mainly so. I’m thinking about the whole of life. Our friend groups. Our families (because marriage is definitely a group project, and parenting even more so!). Our neighborhoods. Our schools. Our churches.

As I mulled over this idea, I realized a couple of things. First, based on that expanded definition, I am actually a fan of group projects! And second, my husband’s advice rings true for all of those groups.

So, how does that advice translate to the group projects of life? It isn’t meant as a put-down for others (including ourselves), but rather, an encouragement to find people who elevate the standard you are seeking to reach. It’s pretty well documented that people tend to adjust up or down to the standard of the status quo in any given scenario. Challenge them, and almost always you will find that they rise to the occasion. Require little, and they will deliver the bare minimum necessary.

This idea of choosing the smartest person in the room really resonated with me following a recent lunch with friends. Our particular group goes back 25 years, to our college days. Four out of the six of us met for lunch, and nothing earth-shattering happened. We talked water leaks in houses, dogs, books and podcasts, jobs, cheese, trips, friends, families, cheese again, haircolor. Nothing of consequence. However, I realized after our conversation how much I value these women, even when it’s an ordinary lunch on an ordinary day. Each of the friends at the table (and the two in the group who were not) holds a unique place in the dynamic we have created over these decades. They are individually gifted in different ways and different fields, and have made us collectively smarter as we teach each other, question each other, and listen to each other. Although I could highlight many strengths of each, it’s easy to separate out one way in which I feel each of these friends is the smartest person in the room.

One of us* is a true model of kindness, consideration, and love with no strings. I will never be the kind of friend she is, to all she befriends, but I can aspire to it! She remembers everything. It’s an insane skill set. I quit trying to be her years ago, and am content to just watch her transform the people around her with quiet support. (yes, she inspires so many italics!)

One of us is amazing in her field; if I had a question about navigating a professional environment, she’s one of the first I would call. Throughout her career she has shared her successes, challenges, risks, and new opportunities, and I have learned so much that I can apply to my own career path. Her viewpoint is fascinating.

One of us has been a phenomenal example as a wife and a mom. She married first in our group, and was the first mother of boys. The laidback attitude and easy flexibility she shows have been an absolute example to me as we’ve built our family. She has created a beautiful life, and I admire her so much more than she knows.

One of us is a drop-everything-and-be-there friend. I can go ages without talking to her, and even longer without seeing her, but when life blows up in my world, I can call her, and I do. Her response to her friends in crisis is immediate, practical, and guaranteed. She has saved my life a couple of times, and that’s not hyperbole.

One of us is the very example of self-awareness and confidence in who she is. She is very, very smart. Her intelligence shows in the way she comfortably inhabits her views, interests, beliefs, and relationships, whether they look like everyone else or not. She is literally one of my favorite people, which I’m pretty sure she knows.

I’m not fishing here when I say that I’m not exactly sure WHAT I bring the table; there isn’t really much needed! These are five women who are bringing the highest and best to an always-evolving friendship. And the kicker?

This is only ONE group in my life’s collection!

Although I am not especially social, given the pace of our life and the strange schedules we have always followed in our careers, it is still easy to identify the many group projects that make up my world. Considering these people and their strengths, I seem to have subconsciously taken my husband’s advice in many different areas, to my absolute benefit. The challenge is to figure out how we all can be the smartest one in the room for someone who needs it.

*I’m leaving out names to protect the innocent! 🙂